Carpet Rides

A little over a year ago, life pulled the rug out from under me. I was married to a hard-working, driven man, raising our two amazing sons in a beautiful cul-de-sac home in suburbia. One eye-opening, gut-wrenching email left accidentally in plain view changed our lives forever.

In the moments following my life-altering discovery, I knew my life and the lives of my precious boys would never be the same. There were fireworks in my stomach; I was sweating but freezing cold at the same time. I found it difficult to draw breaths but I knew I was still alive because my heart was pounding so loudly in my ears. Almost as if it were screaming to get my attention, "Hey! Do you hear me? I'm still beating away in here. We're going to make it to the other side of this." And of course, I cried. I cried as I read my husband's loving words to another woman. I cried for him, I cried for myself, but most of all I cried for my precious, innocent sons.

That was fifteen months ago. My sons and I are now living with my parents while I'm returning to nursing school. And you know something? My heart was exactly right: we did survive the affair, the divorce, and an out of state move. I'm not sure if we're completely on the other side yet, but we're definitely headed in right direction. Fifteen months ago I remember desperately praying and wishing there was a way for me to get past my situation without having to go through it. Minute to minute I was flooded with changing emotions ranging from fear to guilt to shock to shame to overwhelming sadness. I felt defeated and hopeless one moment and the next I was consumed with fierce anger.

As the days turned into weeks and months, my amazing friends and family were such a source of comfort and strength for me. They were always so supportive, concerned, and encouraging. Even now, I can always count on them to lift my spirits on a gloomy day. They often told me how proud they were of me, how strong I was, and what an amazing job I was doing getting through this. Hearing their words were nice but I couldn't help thinking to myself, "If they only knew how often I cry, they wouldn't be so proud of me. If they only knew how scared and hopeless I feel at times, they wouldn't think I was so strong." At the time, I felt like I really had no option than to keep on keeping on. Just taking it one day at a time and trying to make the best decisions I could each day. That anyone in my position would be doing the same things given the situation, that I wasn't really doing anything extraordinary. I realize now that I was selling myself short, not giving myself the credit or feeling the pride and strength I deserved to have and feel. Looking back I can now see that there were lots of different choices I could have made, lots of different options and outcomes that could have been chosen. That I had, in fact done a pretty darn good job at keeping my chin up and caring for and comforting my boys the best way I could. So thank you, my wonderful family and incredible friends. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for seeing the strength in me that I couldn't see. Thank you for your support and kind, encouraging words.

Besides the support and love I find in friends and family (which is immeasurable), I have come to realize my "secret" for coping and surviving this event has been a result of two very important decisions. These decisions are better described as constant, conscious, internal affirmations concerning crucial ingredients for happiness. Whether you're dealing with stress, conflict, loss, whatever, I truly believe in order to get to a place even resembling happiness, you must have forgiveness and gratitude in your life and on your mind.

I'll start with forgiveness. One of my favorite quotes on forgiveness is from author Claudia Black, PhD. "With forgiveness, we no longer build our identity around something that happened to us in the past." I just love it! I think the world is full of martyrs and victims. Things happen in life, good and bad, but we are NOT these events that happen to us. Sure, they affect us, even shape the person we become. But we are not solely defined by our life's uncontrollable happenings. I think too many times people equate forgiveness with condonation and acceptance. Forgiving someone (or even and especially self-forgiveness) isn't about accepting a hurtful act or even forgetting about it. It has nothing to do with the act or the wrong doer. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, by yourself, within yourself. Forgiveness is finally feeling strong enough to say, "This wasn't my fault; I didn't deserve this; I am not going to allow myself to keep feeling anger and hurt about this. I am so much more than this single event in my life." The alternative to forgiveness is feeling bitter, angry, sad, victimized, vengeful, the list goes on and on. I don't see a single benefit from allowing any of those emotions to consume you. For me, forgiveness is a no brainer. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give yourself on the path to happiness.

Along with forgiveness, having a grateful attitude is essential to feeling happy and at peace. Life is so precious and beautiful. I am grateful for so many things in my life: my amazing sons, family, friends, health- the list is endless. Whenever I'm feeling down or like I'm being treated unfairly, I immediately think of all the wonderful blessings in my life. I find it extremely difficult to feel sorry for myself, or sad, or angry, or anything negative when I consciously keep a grateful mindset.

So there you have it. My Happiness Recipe: Add liberal and equal amounts of forgiveness and gratitude! And be sure to make a new batch daily! As with many things, following the recipe is easier said than done. If it were easy though, the results wouldn't be as satisfying. An obvious result is the happiness you'll create in your life. Along with the happiness, you'll also gain the satisfaction and pride of learning your own strength and power, which I believe are just as important.

Looking back to that day when I found the love letters, maybe I just thought life was pulling the rug out from under me. Perhaps it wasn't a jerked rug at all, but a magic carpet taking us to a better place and a brighter life. So the next time you feel the rug being pulled out from under you, don't just fall down and complain about the pain you're feeling- hold on tight to that magic carpet and see where it takes you!